I wander the city thinking it's empty without you.

I’m terrified of every thought that races through my head. I don’t understand why I do the things I do, and why I put myself into the worst situations. I never know how to say what I’m thinking and I am never able to keep my thoughts straight. Sometimes I feel like I should blame my parents for the fact that I wasn’t raised religiously and I don’t have anything to believe in. At the same time I wish I could endlessly thank my parents for not making me believe in something that’s so unreal, in my mind. I guess in the end I’ve found that nothing and no one can compare to you. I wish it were as easy to hate or forget you as I’d hope it would be, but then again I knew that me forgetting you was the last thing I ever expected. It’s because of you my life is so messed up. It’s because of you I can’t trust anyone. Days like these get the best of me. I worry/wonder about you far too often and I hope that you’re happy with the way things turned out in the end. Although we both know that I’m not. I wish that everything you said didn’t seem so damn perfect coming out of your mouth. And I with that you had meant all the things you had said. If neither of us wanted things to end like this, why are you letting them? Maybe in the end you’ll realize that I’ve been right in front of you all along, and I always will be. Maybe this sounds crazy, but you’re the only thing that makes sense to me anymore. Now I’m stuck thinking about that could-of-beens versus the now. I’m terrible at keeping my jealousy out of the picture and keeping the people who really matter in my mind. I’m not the type of kid who believes in much of anything anymore, mostly myself.