Just to put your mind at ease, you don't owe me anything.

I only have one semester left at Valley. I couldn't possibly be more pleased with that. Everything is a mess. Typical. I miss my best friend more than I've missed anyone, ever, quite possibly. I recently just returned from visiting my sister in Chicago, and that city is truly magical. A part of me wants to move there and live with Bella, because I know it would be wonderful. But there is also another part of me that just can't let go of Iowa. As Bella put it, trying to convince me to move in with her, I'm a big city girl. I was born and spent a good portion of my childhood in an extremely large city, but I feel more at home in Des Moines, Iowa. I feel as though I've finally found and surrounded myself with amazing people. People who'll send me flowers, completely out of the blue. They're extremely amazing. Along with the people I work with, who can honestly always brighten my day. In 6 months I'll be living with my best friend surrounded by people I love unconditionally, I am so excited. However, there is a part of me that feels as though I should move to Colorado with my parents or to Chicago with my sister. Sometimes I feel as though I need a fresh start and to meet new people. But there's an even bigger part of me that can't let go of the people and this place. Hopefully I won't regret my decision 5 years from now. I have hope in this and everyone I love.

Without you I'll be miserable at best.

I wish I wasn't so afraid of change. I should move to Colorado with my parents, but I'm terrified of loosing everything solid that I have. This is a huge opportunity, but I can't take it. Because I'm too damn scared. There's too many things going on in my life. My constant headaches are back, and that's driving me absolutely crazy. I hate that there's only one thing that makes them go away. I feel as though there's only one thing in my life that's stable. And I'm so thankful to have that. I hate living in Des Moines. I hate that I have two friends here. I hate sitting through school assemblies by myself because all anyone ever talks about at my school is getting wasted. I hate walking the halls of that school every Monday wondering if it's Saturday just yet. I can't wait until the summer. It's going to be so good to be surrounded by such good people daily. I hate this weather, mainly because I hate driving in it. But also because I hate being cold all the time. I decided I'm going to teach myself to play the piano.

I wander the city thinking it's empty without you.

I’m terrified of every thought that races through my head. I don’t understand why I do the things I do, and why I put myself into the worst situations. I never know how to say what I’m thinking and I am never able to keep my thoughts straight. Sometimes I feel like I should blame my parents for the fact that I wasn’t raised religiously and I don’t have anything to believe in. At the same time I wish I could endlessly thank my parents for not making me believe in something that’s so unreal, in my mind. I guess in the end I’ve found that nothing and no one can compare to you. I wish it were as easy to hate or forget you as I’d hope it would be, but then again I knew that me forgetting you was the last thing I ever expected. It’s because of you my life is so messed up. It’s because of you I can’t trust anyone. Days like these get the best of me. I worry/wonder about you far too often and I hope that you’re happy with the way things turned out in the end. Although we both know that I’m not. I wish that everything you said didn’t seem so damn perfect coming out of your mouth. And I with that you had meant all the things you had said. If neither of us wanted things to end like this, why are you letting them? Maybe in the end you’ll realize that I’ve been right in front of you all along, and I always will be. Maybe this sounds crazy, but you’re the only thing that makes sense to me anymore. Now I’m stuck thinking about that could-of-beens versus the now. I’m terrible at keeping my jealousy out of the picture and keeping the people who really matter in my mind. I’m not the type of kid who believes in much of anything anymore, mostly myself.